TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting interest from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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